Day 4

Same drill. Slept late. Woke up late. It’s been an hour since I woke up but I’m still feeling groggy and tired. Smoked 2 cigarettes already. But I have decided not to keep cigarettes with me and go to the shop every time I feel like smoking. Hope that reduces my smoking habit. Also, I should give it up completely. I have bought a big pack of nicotine lozenges to help me quit. I’m going to start using them today. The next 3 days are holidays – so nothing from work will become an excuse for smoking. I just have to stick to the plan for 3 days for now. I think I pay dearly for smoking. Health, time and money – in terms of all 3. Stay strong – it’s only 3 days.

Why do I fail every time I try to quit smoking? Let me try to list the reasons I have failed in the past.

One time I was attempting to quit but started smoking again when …

  1. I had to go out to buy something and as a habit whenever I go out, I smoke on the way back.
  2. One of my friends / colleagues asked me if I’d like to join for a cigarette break
  3. I felt low – sad / angry / hungry / bored. And decided it’s not time to give up
  4. I fought with someone and used them as an excuse to go back to smoking
  5. I went on a holiday and thought I’ll make an exception and have fun smoking during the holiday
  6. I ate. Something drives me so hard to go smoke right after eating.

I’m thinking to make a nice lavish meal today. I’m thinking drumstick sambar, brinjal roast and curd rice. I’ve to get some recipe for the brinjal – I’ll do that right after writing this. I need to go to the shop and buy some garlic, curry leaves and maybe some chips and coke.

Oops! Just went to another tab to look for the brinjal recipe. One of my biggest weaknesses is getting distracted like this. But sometimes I feel that is also my strength – to think about several things at once. I’m not sure now whether it’s a positive or a negative.

Ok after cooking I should make the desk I was planning to make. It’s delayed by way too long now. I don’t even have a design yet. I’ve kept a nice slab of plywood for it though. And I have the supplies to make it. Hope I will be able to finish it today and start painting. It will be an important accomplishment if I do.

I should also clear out all the cardboard boxes and plastic covers from all the unwrapping. It’s just lying there for over a month now. Lots to do in the flat. Everything has halted because of this stupid lockdown. After making the desk I should make a little spice shelf too. No hope of getting a kitchen chimney or cabinet hinges. I think it will be at least a month before those shops all open. This lockdown sucks. And the timing for me can’t be worse.

Okay so today’s plan – cook, make the desk, don’t smoke. Simple.

Day 3

Same drill. Played Gardenscapes till late night. Woke up just half an hour ago. I think it’s because of that fireworks competition or whatever is going on in that game. Maybe I want to win that competition. Ok so I’ll give up playing it after this competition. Maybe that’ll satisfy me.

Since it’s hot summer. Waking up this late is not putting me in a good mood. It’s warm and sweaty even as I wake up. Obviously no mood to do anything productive and don’t feel that energetic pump of the morning. I think I should quit smoking right away and go for a 8 hour sleep every night. I hate Chennai summer days. Hot, moist and tiresome.

I feel like S (my ex) is not interested in talking to me. It feels very confusing. Sometimes I just decide not to disturb her and not message. Then she messages saying something about her day. Then when I reply, she resorts to one word replies and sometimes just stops replying back. I’m confused. I know down inside I still wish we could get back together. I’ve never gotten interested in anyone else although it’s been almost 2 years since we broke up. I wish. But I’m not pushing for anything. I’m fine if she’s happy. What should I do though? I think I should just go about my day not thinking about it and talk to her normally. Maybe she’s just busy with her work. Let me see if this passes.

I need some acrylic paint for painting on furniture. All shops are closed due to the COVID-19 lockdown. The supermarkets don’t have acrylic paints. Hope they’ll all open after May 3rd. I’m really tired of this lockdown. Not that I get out of house a lot. But unavailability of things is driving me nuts. I need to make a standing desk by this weekend. I have plywood, paint, glue and screws. Tomorrow’s a holiday. I guess I can get that done tomorrow. I should make a design today for it.

3 tasks are to be completed at work. Work-from-home is not working for me. People keep messaging and calling at random times of the day. I’m almost at the verge of starting to ignore them altogether outside of working hours. I think since they live with their families they’re putting work in-between the times they spend with their families. Hence the random timed calls and requests. And a couple people are down right incompetent. I think I should tell them to buck up and put some effort.

Not keen on cooking today. Should I order take-out? S has said me not to order – because of the pandemic. But I feel so lazy. I don’t even want to cook anything. Let’s see if my motivation improves. I also hope I will have some time to practice my piano today.

I started learning to play piano a few days ago. I had a piano (digital) lying around idle for quite sometime. I finally got around to buying an online course to learn to play it. I hope I’ll stick to it and get a good new skill. I’ve always liked the piano and even asked my parents to get me piano lessons as a kid. But there was no piano teacher close by to the area that we lived in. Will a childhood wish stay alive all these years enough to become actual motivation? Let’s find out.

Finally! Kept the journal habit going. 3 days now. Not strong. But steady? Yes.

Day 2

I did the most useless thing last night. I kept playing Gardenscapes on my mobile until I got a number-one high score. I kept playing as my eyes burned and then woke up just a few minutes back with my eyes still burning. It’s 10 o clock now. Yup, I kept up the commitment and am writing first thing in the morning. But this is not the time I had in mind. I was thinking I’d write at 5 or 6 in the morning with a cool weather and birds chirping. I wonder why I kept playing that game yesterday.

Mom and Dad visited yesterday – for the birthday. I wish they didn’t. The very reason I’m alone in this flat is that I wanted to get away from them. Also, there was no reason to break curfew. There’s a terrible disease spreading and they should know better to stay home. There’s a baby in their house! And they’ve never cared about my birthday in the past anyway. I wonder why they did come though. My mom brought some food – which obviously was made by someone else. It wasn’t good and didn’t relate to me at all. It just felt like they gave me leftovers. I just waited impatiently till they left. I am grateful that I had parents that could give me education and a decent life – but I wish they don’t come here to my flat. It reminds me of the loveless, neglected life I had as a child.

Quite a lot of work at office. Got stuck all evening yesterday with an annoying person from work. The kind of person who over explains stuff and has no capability to listen. I try to be nice to all people but yeah, some of them really tick me off and make me avoid them when possible. Should find a way to handle annoying people – something better than quietly smiling as your blood pressure shoots up inside.

Every morning I’m waking up with a weird chest/back pain. Which is there for around an hour. I don’t know whether it’s because of the smoking or the bed or it’s just gas. It’s there and it goes away after an hour or two. I should quit smoking and reduce some weight. Let me see if it goes away if I so some light workout in the morning. I still think it’s gas though.

Oh I thought I wouldn’t be negative here, but I just realised this post is mostly negative. Fine. Let me think of what I’m glad about today.

Oh God I really can’t think of anything. I’m not really happy about anything right now. My chest feels heavy from all the smoking and my whole body feels uncomfortable due to overweight and bad posture, and my eyes are burning and I feel like I’m having a hangover. Is writing in the morning a bad idea? Is this how I really feel in the morning? Maybe instead of first thing in the morning, I should write after having a coffee and a light workout. Workout would make me feel lighter I believe.

Okay. Let me go take a shower and see if I feel any better. Tomorrow then.

Day 1

Happy Birthday!

I realise at 35, your birthday doesn’t feel like your special day. A total of 5 6 people have wished me for my birthday – 4 5 of them relatives and 1 is my ex. A few years back I removed my birthday from Facebook – which caused the number of birthday wishes to fall immediately to single digits – which is good. I’m not comfortable with the attention anyway.

I was sitting awake till about 3 o clock yesterday and woke up at 9:30 in the morning. I have kept leftovers in the fridge – so I suppose I won’t have to cook anything today. But I think I have enough office work to keep me occupied for the day.

I’m not gonna fall back again into the big trap of doing a magical make-over of my life overnight. I realise my life is so .. sooo .. far away from where I’d like it to be. And nothing’s gonna change right away. And I’m a severely commitment-phobic person. So let me take these changes step by step. Little baby steps. And hope I’d live to make all of the changes I’d like to make.

So step 1. The first commitment I’d like to keep is to this journal. I’ve to consolidate and put in my thoughts down every morning. So some guidelines for my journal –

  1. This is a positive place. I know that life isn’t very good right now. But I do have a lot of things to be happy about. Although I will write about my problems here, the overall objective is to focus on the good things and build upon it.
  2. Plan my day .. most days. I really don’t believe in to-do lists. When I tried those, they became just another way to procrastinate. ( Is this journal a way to procrastinate? .. hmm .. ). But I think I should gather my thoughts and come up with at least 1 or 2 important tasks that I’d like to complete for the day.
  3. Take it seriously. 500 words at least. Obviously the most important priority is to log in and put some words. At least just an ‘x’. But for this to be effective, I’m keeping the second priority to write atleast 500 words everyday.
  4. First thing in the morning. Why? Because it’s easy to skip this task at night and just to go sleep. This way, even if I don’t feel like it on some morning, I still would have the entire day to complete this task. Also, I tend to think very positively in the mornings and very negatively at nights. First thing in the morning would be good for this I think.
  5. No Multitasking. No Breaks. No edits. I should do this at one sitting every day. Not while listening to songs or switching tabs to watch YouTube videos. Not split through the day. Not keep coming back to edit it. Just one sitting in the morning. Finish it and carry on with my day. Can come back to it tomorrow.
  6. Write for myself. This should probably be the number one on this list. What I write here is for myself to reflect on. Other people reading this is not an important goal at all.

Oh so much to change! So many habits to build! So many habits to kill! So many things to achieve! It feels overwhelming when I think of it all. I should not think of it. One step at a time. One step at a time. Don’t brood over the past. Just start moving forward. One step at a time.

No birthday parties. No treats. Just a calm, peaceful birthday. Just the way I like it.

Thank you God.

The Beginning of a New Journey

Tomorrow’s my birthday. And I’m not happy with the life I have lived so far. I have only complaints about myself. I’ve been taking almost everything for granted in my life. I’ve never committed myself to anything. I don’t have a single iota of self discipline.

I’m sitting here in the COVID-19 lockdown – all alone in my empty flat. Almost 2 years since my girlfriend broke up with me. With absolutely no direction to move forward with my life, grappling to hold on to something. Just floating along.

I’m 35. Single. Male.

I probably have pages and pages to write about my past – whine about things… But that’s not why I started this journal. I’m starting this journal to turn over a new leaf. To introspect and answer my own questions. To make a life out of my being. People have started new hobbies, new YouTube channels, Instagram feeds .. what not! So I’ve decided to do something too. I’m getting back to the basics. And simply take control of my life, rather than being happy (or unhappy) about what I’ve been dealt.

So why am I writing this on a blog? Just so that I don’t forget.

Slow and steady. One step at a time. Good night.