Day 22

Slipping into old habits. Haven’t written the journal for a week now. Same routine wake up late, dashing to work without time for anything else in the morning. It’s alarmingly important now that I start waking up early. Since it’s also work-from-home, I’m practically dashing into work without even taking a shower. On most days I have no excuse whatsoever to stay awake late at night. I’m a single lonely guy. I can go to sleep at 9 at night and no one to interrupt me. Yet I stay up doing stupid useless things. I just have way too many bad habits about myself that I don’t even know where to start and end fixing them.

Had two customer issues at work yesterday. I have to send root cause reports for both. Those are stressing and annoying reports to send out. But one of them is my mistake. I saw the scope for that to occur long back and just ignored it instead of fixing right away. It blew up now. Procrastination is a *itch. Well, what to say now. How to swallow my pride and send out those embarrassing reports. But I gotta do it. It was my mistake.

I should also cook food today. I’ve been skipping making proper food for a week now too. I’m planning to make a one-pot dal kichdi with some vegetables. I need to start doing something to reduce my weight. I’m 25 kgs overweight. They say it’s safe to lose 1 kg a week. That seems so achievable and yet years of gone by and I haven’t lost a gram.

Ok so I need to include cooking and an hour of piano practice in today. I hope it will make me feel better over the mistake I did at work.

Day 17

Thursday

I tried making ice-cream yesterday. For some reason. I don’t have any equipment except a freezer. So I just mixed milk, cream and honey. Put it in the freezer and kept churning it over and over. It ended up hard as a rock anyway. And it just smelled like sour raw milk. Actually the first batch, I added some chocolate in, but it immediately curdled the milk. I had to throw it away and make a second one. Only to get a rock hard slab of milk.

I’m thinking if I can play a little happy birthday song on piano and send to S. It’s her birthday today. I want to do so many things. Maybe give her a gift. Make a meal for her. But I don’t think she’ll be happy about it. I should get my mind out of it.

Some soft work is pending at office. Clean up the management interfaces. Make a couple calls. I like Thursdays as far as work is concerned. It has the perfect productivity mindset. The right amount of urgency sets in as the week ends tomorrow.

The woodworking has gone behind again. What’s the challenge in completing it? The sweat. The sweat is worsened by the wood dust flying around. That’s why it’s so discouraging. It’s not just do and go – I have to set aside at least 3 hours – For doing the actual wood work and then cleaning up and bathing.

Day 14

Woke up at 9.30. I was talking with S till late night – 🙂 happily. I Went to my mom’s place for lunch yesterday and a neighbour also gave me food – which I kept for dinner. I ate way too much yesterday and drunk one litre of mango juice. My sister and her whole family was sitting there at my mom’s place. I’d never have gone if I had known. I got the piano cable. But I could not find my camera there. I wonder where I kept it. Did I already bring it to the new flat?

It’s been 14 days and I still haven’t quit smoking. I haven’t created any good habit – except for this journal of course. I’m wasting way too much time watching TV and playing games. I should cut back. After observing myself for these few days, I believe I have an addictive personality. As in, I get addicted to just about anything (but only the useless things like smoking or TV). And I get distracted by just about anything. Combined together those are completely destroying my productivity. I just spend whole weekends doing nothing else but just watch TV. Even if I try to do anything useful, I turn on the TV and do a half-ass job while being continuously distracted by the TV. Even now while writing this journal I keep opening new browser tabs.

I need to stop getting distracted so much. I should also stop multitasking – especially keeping the TV on while doing something else. It’s ok if I just hold my attention for half an hour – I should do it without watching TV or switching tabs. Taking breaks – I should not take random breaks just about anytime it occurs to me. I have to plan and time my breaks. When I get back from a break, I should already decide exactly when I’ll take the next break. Stop checking the phone all the time and keep proper schedules for playing video games. There’s absolutely no use watching all those youtube videos. Oh God I just opened a video game on the mobile right now!

3 days more for S’s birthday. Should I do something special? Or just stop with a simple birthday wish? I don’t even know why I’m still talking with her. Sometimes I feel like we’re connecting back again, sometimes the shade of the old problems just show again. I feel like she keeps worrying that people will blame her for something. Her first instinct when the shopping plan we had yesterday got cancelled was to say that I should have gone alone – now I’m going to blame her for not going. I think it’s stupid. Why would anyone think like this? If shopping cancelled we can just go another day.

Ok what should I do today? I didn’t do dishes last night – so I have a load of dishes to wash. I have to find time in between the day and finish it. Should dispose off that huge banana leaf from the kitchen and maybe a couple of cardboard boxes. I have to sweep and possible mop the house. Some important work today has gotten postponed to tomorrow. But I still have lots to do – I mean office work. And I wish people stopped disturbing me unnecessarily. It’s really annoying and distracting. Sometime I feel downright disrespectful that people think it’s ok to disturb others any time of any day that they want. Practice some piano and maybe start reading a book.

Day 11

Friday

I pulled an all-nighter. Thought I can rest my eyes for a bit at around 7 in the morning. Woke back up at 1 o clock in the afternoon. Thus wasting everything I achieved by the all-nighter. Got to run now. I have a ton of work to complete today. Will order take-out for lunch (dinner?). I don’t think I’ll have time for anything else today.

Day 10

Same drill. It’s almost as if nothing is changing. Terrible day yesterday. That bitter argument with S. Ordering take-out out of sheer temptation (now I’ve be be worrying for a few days). Stayed up watching movies till late night 3 O clock. I don’t even know when I went to sleep. Very crappy movies that too.

Woke up at around 10 O clock. It’s my mom’s birthday. And right out of the bat, I woke up to a ton of guilting messages from my parents. I don’t understand how they think me not being married is the root of all their problems. Spoiled my whole day though.

And work was hectic. I should complete a ton of work by the weekend. I need to go buy a saree for my mom – for her birthday. And maybe bring my midi cable and hard disk from home when I come back. I’m in no mood to talk to S today. I think I’ll just whine and put her off if I do.

I don’t think I will find any time for woodworking. It’s been paused again now. I should somehow find the acrylic colors to paint the stand. Lots to do not enough time. I can probably get something to eat when I go home. So won’t have to cook today.

Not too keen on writing much now. Let’s see what the day holds.

Day 8

Woke up a bit earlier today. A bit after 8 AM. The good thing today is that I didn’t wake up with any urge to go out and smoke. I popped in a nicotine lozenge and got to watching YouTube videos right away. Just to keep myself occupied and engaged. I’ve had 2 lozenges so far and already feeling slightly weird. Even when I use nicotine lozenges, I still feel a weird withdrawal effect when I don’t smoke. A slightly heavy head and drowsiness. It already seems like I’ve been smokefree for such a long time – but it’s actually been only a couple of hours. God I’m such an addict.

Ok just one day. Just today. One single day let me be smoke free. We’ll worry about tomorrow when it comes. I just have to while time away and go to sleep tonight without smoking. The urge is strongest right after eating. One thing I can do is to have a break between cooking and eating. Eat in a chill mood and then spend sometime watching a movie or something right after eating.

In the woodworking front, I made some good progress yesterday. I finished all the cuts. I have to glue up the plywood strips for the stand legs and make the angle cuts for design. I think by doing it for an hour everyday, I can make way more progress than waiting for the weekends. Should wait for a couple of days and then go look for supplies. Door handles and hinges are required.

I did not practice piano yesterday. Because I had not done anything, I had to wash clothes and clean the kitchen after the woodworking time. Today I can practice some piano I suppose.

Okay it’s getting late let me get to work now. Need to cook food and start office work.

Day 7

I forgot to write the journal today. It’s already afternoon. But ok I just remembered and got to it right away. Thank God I didn’t miss the one week milestone.

So about yesterday. I had planned 3 things and did 1. 😦 I purchased the weighing scale, didn’t get the acrylic colors. But I neither did the desk/stand nor did I do any office work. I was simply watching TV, sleeping and chatting with S most of the day. The office people didn’t even call for online games. I didn’t cook either. Ate two packs of masala buns. I made some cool mushroom sliders for dinners.

I woke up very late again today. At about 9 o clock. I should bring all these things back into control before the lockdown ends. Can’t make a habit out of waking up so late. But on the upside. I woke up quite fresh and energetic today. Did I forget the journal because of that? I weight myself in the morning. 89.8 kgs. Let’s make it an even 90 kgs. I’m 5’4″ so I should be weighing around 65 kgs I think. Just 25 kgs overweight. Not bad :p

A quick internet search suggests me that I can lose the extra 25 kgs in a year – practically thinking. Maybe I should try. But I haven’t even given up smoking yet. It’s about time. I have to make a decision and stick to it. I don’t know what it will take for me to quit smoking. But I really keep trying but rather poorly. The first time temptation strikes I give up. Is it because I really don’t make a plan and just jump into it on a whim? Maybe I should calm down, take a deep breath and then to this carefully with a plan.

… Sorry long call from the office. These calls and requests are getting more ridiculous by the day. Did people really work all these days without knowing even trivial things? Half the questions I get asked are ridiculously stupid …

Anyway, I should raise these two pull requests today and then try to make the desk/stand in the evening. Hope the apartment people won’t start creating a problem if I do some work in the late evening. I need to find out if I can get a chimney fitted during the lockdown. I also need a pressure cooker and a couple of utensils for cooking non-vegetarian food. Yes I’m going to keep separate utensils for veg and non-veg food. Once I do these, I can finally have some well deserved biryani.

I must get started on finding out about the chimney and woodworking supplies. And more importantly whether I will be able to buy plywood in this time. I will need some plywood to keep going on with the woodworking. It seems so far away now. Hope they reopen the shops. I need my woodworking supplies, plywood and laminate sheets. I wish someone gives me food .. or it becomes okay to order take-out.

One week done. Journal commitment going alright!

Day 6

Woke up at 9 o clock today. Smoked right away after waking up. And then the scooter wouldn’t start. So took the car and bought some fuel. The scooter still won’t start. I’m going to the store to get some engine oil after writing this. The car was making some noise too. Some clacking noise with every rotation of the wheel. But when I was coming back after buying the fuel, the noise was gone. I wonder what’s wrong. I think it might be because it’s just lying idle in the parking because of the lockdown.

S shouted at me again yesterday. I feel so bad when she does. She’s getting fired up by very little things and starts saying the utmost bitter things. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up all this and go back to my carefree, drinking-partying lifestyle. I’ve dragged myself into all this only because of my desire to have my own family. How do I let this go? How do I redeem myself?

I need to go back to the shop now. Engine oil, weighing scale and acrylic paint if available at yd-mart. Feeling a bit worried to take the car back out – because of the noise. And I don’t know how I’m gonna get it fixed in all this lockdown. I hope it all opens tomorrow.

After coming back, I get started making the desk. I finally finished designing it and making a cut list. One important task will get ticked off if I complete that. It’s really long pending that pooja shelf. 4 months pending. I dread the thought of making it though. Especially because of the hot summer. But I know how satisfying and happy it’d feel after finishing it.

Also I have to catch up on some office work. Just to keep the week relaxed. I wish they re-opened the office. I feel bored and sick to stay at home all the time. I want to see some people. I also feel motivation is dropping because of not meeting people. It feels like I’m just sitting somewhere alone with no connection whatsoever to the outside world. Maybe I should make more meetings.

And add to that some piano practice. One hour I should allocate for this today. Total three things – make the desk/stand, practice piano one hour, spend some time to catch up on office work.

Why am I getting distracted so much? I can’t even focus on something for half an hour continuously. Something seriously wrong and maybe too late to fix. I’ve switched tab to YouTube like 10 times since I started writing this post. Seriously wrong. I should practice focus.

Okay. Let me carry on with the day then. Hope all turns out well in the end.

Day 5

Woke up at 11:30 AM today! Went to sleep at 4:30 AM last night. Had a looooong chat with S. I did make and eat the drumstick-potato sambar and brinjal roast like I planned yesterday. But that’s about it. Nothing else I did according to plan. I smoked – quite a lot – yesterday. I didn’t even touch anything about the desk I have to make. But I did practice the piano for an hour. So that’s good. Did 2 things, skipped 2 things. I’ll take a 50-50.

I need to get my head of this whole break-up. It’s been 2 years. What’s not gonna change is not gonna change. I’m wasting way too much time and energy just brooding about it. I’d have collectively spent several months worth of time just being sad. I need to let some happiness in. I think I have raised up my blood pressure also significantly. I don’t feel good at all almost always.

I have to seriously get back to my attempt at not smoking. I NEED to quit smoking. It’s spoiling a lot of things. It’s wasting a lot of time. It causes a ton of procrastination. I don’t need these stupid breaks that’s making me less productive. Since the whole quit smoking at one attempt is not working – I have tried like a hundred times till now – I need to make a different strategy now. Let me think about it. Do I need external help?

I’m so completely filled up by upsetting feelings about my break-up. The chest feels tight and my head feels heavy. I can’t write more than this today.