Day 5

Woke up at 11:30 AM today! Went to sleep at 4:30 AM last night. Had a looooong chat with S. I did make and eat the drumstick-potato sambar and brinjal roast like I planned yesterday. But that’s about it. Nothing else I did according to plan. I smoked – quite a lot – yesterday. I didn’t even touch anything about the desk I have to make. But I did practice the piano for an hour. So that’s good. Did 2 things, skipped 2 things. I’ll take a 50-50.

I need to get my head of this whole break-up. It’s been 2 years. What’s not gonna change is not gonna change. I’m wasting way too much time and energy just brooding about it. I’d have collectively spent several months worth of time just being sad. I need to let some happiness in. I think I have raised up my blood pressure also significantly. I don’t feel good at all almost always.

I have to seriously get back to my attempt at not smoking. I NEED to quit smoking. It’s spoiling a lot of things. It’s wasting a lot of time. It causes a ton of procrastination. I don’t need these stupid breaks that’s making me less productive. Since the whole quit smoking at one attempt is not working – I have tried like a hundred times till now – I need to make a different strategy now. Let me think about it. Do I need external help?

I’m so completely filled up by upsetting feelings about my break-up. The chest feels tight and my head feels heavy. I can’t write more than this today.

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